beating a dead horse - satire from the LassoAh, finally the time of gift-giving and materialism is upon us. Most stores try to deliver or sell everything in stock as families, couples, and sad single loners all buy into the commercialism. As pockets are emptied and packages delivered, stores all around the country have released their least wanted products this holiday season, the last left on the shelves. The Lasso took the time to highlight the most wanted-unwanted gifts.

1: G.I. Schmo It’s been usual for young boys to be entertained by soldiers and the concept of war, but what if your child isn’t a fan of charging into battle? Well, just in time for 2017, Has-Been Toys presents G.I. Schmo, the wimpiest man on the force. Schmo runs in fear from moving objects larger than himself, all while screaming and crying — real tears! The newest Schmo comes with voice lines that yelp: “I’m outta here!,” “Zoinks!,” and “Man, aren’t kids gullible these days?.”

2: Dinky the Pessimistic Dachsund Dinky is a small stuffed Dachsund with an inferiority complex and a tendency for pessimism so large that it could stretch across the globe. Dinky criticizes and doubts everything, only believing in the darkest and most depressing alternative. He even talks! Pull his tail and he says,“Forget your dreams, because it’s not going to happen anyway.”

3: Baby’s First Smartphone Everyone is on their phone all day nowadays, so why can’t babies get in on the fun? Baby’s First Smartphone comes with all the amenities of an ordinary smartphone, including a messaging app to communicate with their baby friends about important baby matters; a baby camera to take avant-garde photos of play pens; Snotify, the perfect app for little children with uncontrollable nostrils; and a baby app store to buy infant apps and games that just aren’t the same in person anymore. This phone comes perfectly sized for baby hands, allowing any person under the age of two to hold without crushing it. The purchase of each baby-phone is guaranteed to get any baby addicted to electronics and take them away from your family forever, plus they will never utter another word ever again.

4: Ugly Christmas Gymwear Grandma sends you ugly Christmas sweaters every year, but clothes designers everywhere have come up with a modern alternative to this age-old classic: Ugly Christmas Gymwear. Each set of Ugly Christmas Gymwear is guaranteed to look, feel and smell like something your dearest grandmother has hand-knit for you. Whether it’s an Ugly Christmas football jersey, Ugly Christmas cleats or an Ugly Christmas baseball shirt, they will always cause comfort and most definitely not distract you from the game ahead of you. No matter what sport you play, a set Ugly Christmas gym wear is perfect for any athlete.

5: Complete Set of Dad’s Greatest Hits:  Dads everywhere seem to have one thing in common no matter what: their love of bad puns and their uncontrollable urge to burst into songs from their time. With the Complete Set of Dad’s Greatest Hits, one can hear the voice of their own father sing obscure songs that have not been heard in at least 30 years. The Complete Set of Dad’s Greatest Hits will play at any time headphones are plugged in or a music app is opened, making it play at every possible moment to achieve maximum annoyance. Buy the gift that every dad would love you to have, the Complete Set of Dad’s Greatest Hits.

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